Ambiguous Casey

I was already overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. Most of it was so honest and with wonderful intentions although, there were a fair share of people who had different intentions.

Some of the worst support I received was from the Marines themselves, actually just one Marine but it was still bad. I spent that next day in and out of “meetings” with the Corps. Signing my name to documents authorizing them to do things to my husband and his belongings that I am sure they had already done. I remember this one paper I signed that day (don’t remember its official title), it stated that if Matthews missing appendages were found and identified they would send them to me.

Stop there: Can you imagine? (I am thinking about that now.) Would the UPS man just show up at my door with a freaking right index finger in a box six or ten years after Matt’s passing? I don’t know, that’s cray.

There were so many people around me. Some only wanted attention themselves, some wanted to make sure I was ok, and some just wanted to read the Bible to me. Jeeze, I didn’t want to hear that nonsense at the time, I really felt like God had screwed me over. My favorite line, which I still cannot believe someone would say to me 24 hours after my life had been destroyed, “Oh you are young, you’ll be just fine.” Really? So, since I was only 21, I was supposed to just cheer up and realize i had my whole freaking fantastic life ahead of me? Give me a break.

I didn’t cry much that day, I just did a lot of floating around. I was so numb, still in shock, pretty pissed off, still in denial, but I wasn’t sad just yet. I guess it is selfish of me to still think “Why him?” and “Why Cat?” but dammit, why did it have to happen to them. I didn’t understand it then, and I suppose I never will. I also remember the handful of people I saw so much that just sat and let me cry. Never offered advice, never spat out scripture, never shared personal stories, they just let me cry or stare. They were just there in case I needed them.

I was constantly exhausted. Being 8 1/2 months pregnant alone is enough to exhaust a woman, this was a completely different animal. I remember falling asleep in the laps of family or friends (I’m usually not an affectionate person). I would only lay my head down when I was confident I couldn’t hold it up any longer. I would fall asleep for 5 or 10 minutes, one time I might have made it an hour, and I would wake myself up happy… For a split second it was all a terrible dream. I’d look around and snap back into this warped reality that had become my life. I remember dreaming of Matt calling or coming home, even in my dream it would end with the sick fact that he wasnt calling or ever coming home. But man, for those sleepy moments, it was all ok. I didn’t sleep much at all, I barely slept at all for the next few months actually. It was too hard for a while to never have a good dream, even the good dreams were a reminder of the nightmare I was living in.

Oh what a nightmare it was, I do remember asking God or Budda or Britney Spears or anyone that would listen to never let another woman go through this. (Those people I prayed to did not answer that prayer.) I am still working through this nightmare, it took a while but I see light. My life cannot be as bright as it could’ve been with Matt in it but it will be brighter than most… Cat will make sure of that.

So here is day two of my rambles, I am having a weird time this year and I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it’s that all the days are falling in the same place (we got the news on Sunday Feb 19, yesterday was Sun Feb 19)? I am writing and have written some things hoping it will help me cope a bit this year. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else with whatever they may be going through.